Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts, uncritically, to those who hardly think about us in return.

It seems like every guy I really like just watches me fall to the ground. He doesn’t catch me. But they seem to pick me back up somehow and keep me around. Maybe guy best friends aren’t a good choice for me.

Why do we fall for the people that forget to love us back?

I had to give the “it will be ok, you’ll find someone to be with” speech tonight. I give in often to friends & I always mean it because I have amazing friends that will find someone that truly sees them for who they are. But it is like nails on a chalkboard when you have to give it to someone you want to be with. I mean really, just stab me. It would be easier, quicker and less painful. It always gives me the urge to be super pathetic and scream (or type in this case) “ME!” But like I said…that is pathetic since he has given the “I don’t like you in that way, we are just friends, I’m sorry, blah-blah-blah” speech more than once. I wasn’t in the mood to really pour my heart into the speech tonight. He started to argue and I told him I didn’t know what else to say besides that he will find someone. He got that I was not in the mood to talk about such feelings as love/ like, etc. I despise them at the moment.

But…it happens. And I’m not giving up on love, liking someone, and such feelings. I’m just on strike until further notice.

((Ash))

It's always going to be there, isn't it? You & me.

Have you ever been afraid of your feelings coming back for someone? Or too scared to face that they may have never left?

Yeah, well I feel like the feelings are slowly creeping back in...and I'm scared.

I didn't fall for him, he tripped me. Flat on my face, can't get up freaking tripped me. Three years ago. We spent all of our time together, if we weren't in class, we were together. Ate three meals a day together, hung out, watched movies, went on drives, stayed the night with each other. Everyone thought we were together--from the check-out lady at Wal Mart to our roommates to everyone that we met. So I finally get the balls (hypothetical balls of course) to tell him...and I get the friend card slapped in my face. Ouch.

Then a new friend that I made at school meets him. They end up together. Another ouch. Two year relationship and lots of drama that I don't have time to type and you don't wanna read. They just broke up. And I'm best friends with both of them.

And now the feelings. They are coming back, and it scares the shit out of me for several reasons. One, I can't do that to my best friend...she still loves him. Two, I can't do that to myself, it hurts too much. Three, he doesn't like me.

But everyone & their mother thinks we will end up dating. And I'm serious on the mom comment. My mom has mentioned it and my best friend's mom thinks it as well. Along with some of our friends, and my best friend. Ouch again. Talk about feeling like a shitty best friend. "Oh hey, I know you just broke up with your boyfriend of two years...but I like him again."

I hate emotions. Why does everyone love or like someone that doesn't love or like them back. Or doesn't want to be with them. Or loves or likes someone else.

And I can't leave him. He is my best friend. We have been through more in the past three years then I have time to explain. I love having him around, he can be an ass but he can be a great friend as well. Like just last night I was having a horrible night...crying, make up down my face. Picks me up for a drive and makes me laugh and takes me for Cold Stone birthday cake ice cream. I love having him as a best friend and I have been content with that for awhile now. But now that he is single...I have this freaking urge to be with him. Damn. To touch him. Damn it. To hold his hand. Shit. To...kiss him. FUCK.

It makes me cry when someone mentions us dating. And if one more person says something about it...I may lose it.

HELPPPP.

((Ash))

"You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade."

I talked to my ex-boyfriend last night, for the first time since February. I have this weird need, desire to keep people in my life way longer than they probably should be. It is because I become attached to people easily and I care a lot about them. Hince why I still want to talk to J (that's what we will call him) after all this time.

It was a decent conversation, just catching up. A few things I did find interesting--he has quit smoking and drinking. Say what? I was surprised, good surprised. I told him that he can keep to it. Next interesting thing, wants to move away to NC. It didn't hurt when he told me this. The last time he told me he wanted to move out of state, it stung. But...I'm not that attached anymore since we have a rollercoaster of a relationship (eh i use that term loosely).

We talk, we don't talk for months, we hang out/make out, don't talk for months, etc. It's a vicious cycle really. But I seem to keep going back for more! And I have changed my feelings on this cycle lots of times. At first it would get my hopes up of us getting back together, then those hopes would be crushed. But now I am content with talking to him every once in awhile, seeing him rarely. And with summer fast approach I will be in the same city with him for four months. I wouldn't be surprised if we see each other, which will lead to making out...always does. But hey, he is a great kisser ;) ha.

"You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade." You're Not Sorry//Taylor Swift

Great lyrics, and describes the situation with J. Used to think he was an amazing guy. Funny, hot, slight bad-boy side, etc. And he was a great boyfriend, just didn't stick around long. Since then I have seen more of the bad-boy side than I wanted to. But I still know there is that good guy inside him and that he just puts on an act. The good thing is I'm no longer trying to pull that guy out of him so I can have the boyfriend back. Which makes me so much more happier.

So successful catch-up with him, and no expecting anything the next day!

((Ash))

Walls.

You know those walls that we build? The ones to protect our hearts, the ones to hide a secret, the ones to show how hardcore we are. The walls that we build strong with lies and broken pieces and pain from the past, the ones that we don’t let many people into or perhaps let too many people break down. What if you find someone that lets you in? That shows you the broken pieces, the hurt and the pain. And you do the same in return, you become vulnerable, you give them your hand and your heart to hold.

But what if you are put back on the other side again? As you stand there, you realize something’s missing…it’s your heart. Your heart is on the other side. You look at the wall, it seems stronger and taller than ever. What do you do…what can you say to get back in? Do you stand and wait for a door to open and a hand to pull you back through, or do you climb like hell to overcome it.

So many questions, so much confusion. You take a step forward and two steps back, trying not to make a wrong move. No matter how many steps you take, it all comes down to waiting. Waiting…it can be the hardest to do, especially when you know that your heart and the person holding it are hurting and lost on the other side.

We are only asked to love.

“We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don’t get to choose all the endings but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won’t solve all the mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we are called home.”

Wednesday was TWLOHA day. To Write Love On Her Arms is an awareness organization for depression, suicide and self-injury.

Everyone has a battle that no one else knows about. People just want to be loved; they need to be reminded that they are loved and they are not alone. Writing love on my arm helps support the organization and show support for other, you should write it too.

For more information visit http://www.twloha.com/