Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts, uncritically, to those who hardly think about us in return.

It seems like every guy I really like just watches me fall to the ground. He doesn’t catch me. But they seem to pick me back up somehow and keep me around. Maybe guy best friends aren’t a good choice for me.

Why do we fall for the people that forget to love us back?

I had to give the “it will be ok, you’ll find someone to be with” speech tonight. I give in often to friends & I always mean it because I have amazing friends that will find someone that truly sees them for who they are. But it is like nails on a chalkboard when you have to give it to someone you want to be with. I mean really, just stab me. It would be easier, quicker and less painful. It always gives me the urge to be super pathetic and scream (or type in this case) “ME!” But like I said…that is pathetic since he has given the “I don’t like you in that way, we are just friends, I’m sorry, blah-blah-blah” speech more than once. I wasn’t in the mood to really pour my heart into the speech tonight. He started to argue and I told him I didn’t know what else to say besides that he will find someone. He got that I was not in the mood to talk about such feelings as love/ like, etc. I despise them at the moment.

But…it happens. And I’m not giving up on love, liking someone, and such feelings. I’m just on strike until further notice.

((Ash))

It's always going to be there, isn't it? You & me.

Have you ever been afraid of your feelings coming back for someone? Or too scared to face that they may have never left?

Yeah, well I feel like the feelings are slowly creeping back in...and I'm scared.

I didn't fall for him, he tripped me. Flat on my face, can't get up freaking tripped me. Three years ago. We spent all of our time together, if we weren't in class, we were together. Ate three meals a day together, hung out, watched movies, went on drives, stayed the night with each other. Everyone thought we were together--from the check-out lady at Wal Mart to our roommates to everyone that we met. So I finally get the balls (hypothetical balls of course) to tell him...and I get the friend card slapped in my face. Ouch.

Then a new friend that I made at school meets him. They end up together. Another ouch. Two year relationship and lots of drama that I don't have time to type and you don't wanna read. They just broke up. And I'm best friends with both of them.

And now the feelings. They are coming back, and it scares the shit out of me for several reasons. One, I can't do that to my best friend...she still loves him. Two, I can't do that to myself, it hurts too much. Three, he doesn't like me.

But everyone & their mother thinks we will end up dating. And I'm serious on the mom comment. My mom has mentioned it and my best friend's mom thinks it as well. Along with some of our friends, and my best friend. Ouch again. Talk about feeling like a shitty best friend. "Oh hey, I know you just broke up with your boyfriend of two years...but I like him again."

I hate emotions. Why does everyone love or like someone that doesn't love or like them back. Or doesn't want to be with them. Or loves or likes someone else.

And I can't leave him. He is my best friend. We have been through more in the past three years then I have time to explain. I love having him around, he can be an ass but he can be a great friend as well. Like just last night I was having a horrible night...crying, make up down my face. Picks me up for a drive and makes me laugh and takes me for Cold Stone birthday cake ice cream. I love having him as a best friend and I have been content with that for awhile now. But now that he is single...I have this freaking urge to be with him. Damn. To touch him. Damn it. To hold his hand. Shit. To...kiss him. FUCK.

It makes me cry when someone mentions us dating. And if one more person says something about it...I may lose it.

HELPPPP.

((Ash))